1) No spell is as easy as it looks.
2) If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a
spell can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will
promptly develop.
3) Every spell performed to solve a problem will breed new problems.
4) Mother Nature is sometimes a bitch.
5) Anything that can go wrong will go wrong; and anything that
cannot possibly go wrong will also go wrong.
6) The Craft as understood by Witches, will be judged otherwise by
non_witches.
a) If you explain a situation so clearly that nobody can
misunderstand, the news media will.
b) If, during an interview, you explain 99 good things about the
Craft and tell one bad joke, guess what will make the headlines!
7) No matter what the result of a spell, there will always be
someone eager to:
(a) misinterpret it,
(b) fake it, and
(c) believe that it happened as a result of his own work.
8) Once a Ritual is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
makes it worse.
9) 90% of anything is crap.
a) When dealing with the occult, make that 95%.
b) When dealing with religion, make that 98%.
10) Everyone has a favorite ritual or spell that will not work.
11) As soon as you mention something...
if it's good, it goes away.
if it's bad it happens.
12) If a spell requires 'n' materials, then immediately before
begining, you will discover that you only possess 'n_1' materials.
13) In any formula, it will be discovered that the required amounts
have been forgotten.
14) No books are lost by lending except those you particularly want to
keep.
15) If you miss an issue of a newsletter, it will be the issue that
concludes the article or ritual that you are most anxious to read.
16) When your familiar has fallen asleep on your lap and looks
utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
bathroom,
17) If you drop your Athame during a rite, you will discover that you
are no longer able to move your right foot.
18) In any outdoor Sabbat, performed skyclad, the Circle will be
drawn around a patch of poison ivy.
19) In Any Sabbat performed robed, the person behind you will step upon
your hem, thus leaving you skyclad during a dance.
20) When all else fails, consult your Book of Shadows,
21) The universe is not only stranger than we imagine, it's stranger
than we can imagine.
22) For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
23) For every vision of the Goddess, there is an equal or opposite
vision that negates your own vision.
24) If you are early to a Sabbat, it will be cancelled.
a) If you are on time, it will be late.
b) If you are late, it will have started early.
25) The more complicated and grandiose the ritual, the greater the
chance that it will fail.
26) The more carefully you plan a ritual, the more you will resist
admitting that it failed.
27) When this lazy witch gets into trouble due to his ignoring the
facts, he will imagine that his failures are caused by anothers curse.
28) The best and most effective rituals occur when you are home with
the flu.
29) You always hear about the need for a ritual or spell after that
need ends.
30) One hour before your first skyclad Sabbat, you will develop a
large and unsightly pimple upon your left buttock.
~The SPELL Checker Program~
Since Pagans tend to have a language that is littered with words that other people do not normally use, the results from using a Spell Checker can be hilarious, as was the case with the computer's versions of "The Wicca Charm".
The original spell is shown immediately below, and following that is the revised version that resulted from using the Spell Checker program.
The Wicca Charm
Wicca followers heed the call
of Lammas to Imbolg,
dancing deosil, never widdershins
as we worship ye old religion.From the grimoire's magic true,
we find that we now have the runes;
& the sigils that will bring power
to our Sabbat's witching hour.With a pentacle in hand,
await the Goddess's command,
then cast your circle with athame
and with a censer burning vervain.Throw your talisman into the fire,
and to you comes what you desire.
Then jump astride a besom firm
and ride until the talisman burns.
The computer-revised version is
The Knicker Charm
Knicker followers heed the call
lamingtons to imbibe,
dancing docile, never widdling
we worship a yelled religion.From the grim one's magic true,
we find that we now have the runs;
& the sickness that will bring power
to our sad bat's twitching hour.With a testicle in hand,
await the Goddess's command
then cast your circle with shame
and with a sense of burning vermin.Throw your tallest man into the fire,
and to you comes what you desire.
Then jump astride a bosom firm
and ride until the tallest man burns.
*~Pagan Lightbulb Jokes~*
A Collection of Various Pagan Lightbulb Jokes
* How many Gardernians does it take to change a light bulb?
1) Sorry, that's a Third Degree secret.
2) (In a low ominous tone) "Why do you want to know... initiate?"
* How many Alexandrines does it take to change a light bulb?
They will wait to watch how the Gardnerians do it to perform in the same way.
* How many Brit Trad Wiccans does it take to change a light bulb?
13. One to change the bulb, and 12 to mourn the passing of the old bulb.
* How many Thelemites does it take to change a light bulb?
1) 93.
2) None - Thelemites embrace the dark as well as the light.
3) None - real Thelemites aren't afraid of the dark. stare at them as you
wait for them to grasp the obvious)
* How many Frost "School of Wicca" Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
"Just you! That's right, YOU! And for only $195 we'll send you our
complete "Witches Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course"
with real knowledge that you can apply this to ANY light bulb ANYwhere!
Listen to the testimony of a young couple from Wisconsin who..."
* How many members of IOT does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Sorry, that ritual is copyrighted.
* How many Proteans does it take to change a light bulb?
I can't tell you--we never change a light bulb the same way twice! :}
* How many ADF druids does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to change the bulb, one to write a song about how much better
the old bulb was, and four to write conflicting parodies of the second
Druid's song.
* How many Shamans does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just change shape into a cat or bat, and can see in the dark.
* How many tantrics does it take to change a light bulb?
2, as long as the lamp is by the bed...
* How many Ceremonial Magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
1) One. They hold it up, and the world revolves around them.
(I know one of these; it's true!)
2) Only one, but he has to do it on the 3rd friday of a month
when the Moon is in Taurus and it's the fifth planetary hour...
and it's *not* funny
* How many Druid's does it take to change a lightbulb?
501. One to change the bulb and 500 to align the new stone.
* How many Family traditionalists does it take to change a light bulb?
Candle light was good enough for our ancestors, it's good enough for us!
* How many Astrologers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Don't ask me now, Mercury's retrograde!"
* How many Pagans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that lightbulbs
never burned out before those Christians came along.
* How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
Into what?
* How many Asatruar does it take to change a light bulb?
R1: Nine - one to hold the bulb, and eight to drink until the room spins. (thanks to Ann Sheffield)
R2: None, there is plenty of light coming from the burning monestary (Thanks Krei)
R3: None, The Light of the burning churches gives light enough... (thanks Bjorñ)
* How many Macumba (brazilian counterpart of vodoo) practicioners does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - one babalorisha (priest) just to yell that the lighbulb is burned and a Yawo (novice) to change the bulb... (thanks to Sandra Ruy Oyakilewasy)
Q: How many Theosophists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. By the time they finish discussing whether the lightbulb needs
changing, the proper method in which to change the lightbulb, how it might
have been done historically, and how everybody else changes lightbulbs,
it's already daylight. (Thanks to BL)
B: None. It was the karma of the bulb (and perhaps the lamp) to burn out.
In time it will replace itself, perhaps with a higher but never with a lower
wattage bulb.
* how many freemasons, and specially how much time does it take to change a lightbulb?
R1: Can't tell.. they still use candlelight!
R2: It takes 9. 1 to actually do the job, the others to give comment
- one of the nine being the secretary making minutes of it...
R1 and R2 - Thanks to Dutchross .'.
R3: Sorry Aprentice, that's a 33 Degree secret...
R3 by Medhal
R4: After much research this tricky question can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows:
2 to complain that the light doesn't work.
1 to pass the problem to either another committee, the Temple Board or the Master of the Lodge.
3 to do a study on light in the Lodge.
2 to check out the types of lights the Knights of Columbus use.
3 to argue about it.
5 to plan a fund-raising dinner to raise money for the bulb.
2 to complain that "that's not the way we did it before."
1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb and install it.
1 to order the brass memorial plate and have it inscribed.
Zodiac - Signs
* How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs.
* How many Tauruses does it take to change a light bulb?
What, me move?
* How many Geminis does it take to change a light bulb?
II
* How many Cancers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to bring his mother.
* How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.
* How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb,
one to install, and two engineers to check the work.
* How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.
* How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They LIKE the dark.
* How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?
One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.
* How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?
The light's fine as it is.
* How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?
* How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?
What light bulb?
The Wiccan Redaction
("Redaction" is a word meaning "a work that has been put in writing".)
Bide the Wiccan Laws we must,
So we don't end up as newts, we trust.
Cast the Circle thrice about,
To keep Mormon missionaries out.
Let the spell be spake in rhyme,
To make it silly every time.Soft of eye and light of touch,
Don't speak with your mouth full, listen much.
Deosil go by the blue moon,
You saw me standing alone,
By the Witches' Rune.Widdershins go by harvest moon,
Up in the sky,
Cause I ain't had no love'n since January February June or July.
By the light of the silvery moon,
I'd like to spoon,
To my honey I'll croon,
Love's tune.Heed the North wind's mighty gale,
For then's the after Christmas sale.
When the wind comes from the South,
Go on vacation for thy health.
When the wind blows from the Southwest,
Hiding in the basement's best.
When the wind blows from the East,
Fart thou to the west.Nine woods in the golf bag go,
Have your caddie carry slow.
Elder be the Lady's tree,
Spray it down with DDT.When the Wheel begins to turn,
Let leaves in the yard begin to burn.
When the Wheel has turned to Yule,
Light the furnace and burn some fuel.Heed ye flower, bush and tree,
For some might poison ivy be.
Where the rippling waters go,
Portage round or leaks you'll know.When ye have a true need,
Charge it not lest thy finances bleed.
With a fool no season spend,
Lest ye see yourself in him.Merry meet and merry part,
Light in the loafers and gay the heart.
When misfortune is anew,
Make sure insurance premiums are not overdue.Mind the Threefold Law you should,
Mercy is not known by earth, water and wood.
Twelve words the Wiccan Redact fulfill:
And it harm none but thee and God, do what ye will.
10 Ways to Piss off a Witch
1. Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.
2.Be considerate, rearrange their altar so it will look neat.
3.Blow out their altar candle if it is still day light. (No need to waste a good candle!)
4.Pick up their gems for a closer look.
5.Sharpen their dull black-handled knife.
6.Witness to them about the "true religion".
7.Untie the knots in their cord.
8.Take hold of their jewelry for a closer look.
9.Play card games with their Tarot cards.
10.Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.
You Finally Know Your A Witch When...
1. Your BOS has spots on the pages from spilled brews.
2. When cleaning house you have to specify. "Where is the broom? No, not the broom, where is the one to clean the floor with?"
3. Candle wax has dripped on your keyboard.
4. There are more jars of strange smelling plants in your cupboards than there are cereal boxes.
5. Friends know they can always give you candles and incense as a gift.
6. When watching old re-runs of Bewitched, you find you side with Samantha's mother Endora.
7. When travelling, stranger and stranger strangers tell you their problems.
8. You find yourself making corn dollies in the checkout line at the grocery store (well, I thought about it).
9. You ask for Halloween off, because it's a religious holiday.
10. You start answering the phone with "Merry Meet".
The Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Casserole
To prepare for this ritual, clear a space for the circle in the center of the kitchen. Then don your ceremonial apron and hold your ceremonial spatula in your right hand. Stand in the center of the circle andface east. You are ready to begin:
- With your spatula, draw a banishing pentagram to the East. Then, thrust your spatula through the pentagram and say, "Microwave dinners, be gone!"
- Move to the South. Again, draw a banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it. "TV dinners, be gone!"
- Move to the West. Draw the banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it. "Ramen instant noodles, be gone!"
- Move to the north. Draw the banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it, "Mystery meat in a can, be gone!"
- Move to the center of the circle and stand still. Chant the following:
Before me, Martha Stewart.
Behind me, Betty Crocker.
To my right side, Julia Child.
To my left side, Martha Stewart, AGAIN! - Visualize yourself standing in a giant casserole and proclaim, "For about me bakes the casserole, and around me shines the 6-course meal."
- Clap your hands three times and say, "Its a good thing."
The rite is over.
If the ritual is not effective, please order take-out ASAP.
Top 10 Reasons Why Athames Are Black
10. So they'll go with any color of robe.
9. So you can cover up nicks & scratches with shoe polish.
8. It's slimming (can't have fat athames, can we?)
7. It doesn't show dirt.
6. Because finding a dropped athame in an outdoor ritual in the dark is a test of loyalty to your faith.
5. It's so much more dignified than chartreuse.
4. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
3. Someone spilled all the paints together and that's what ended up.
2. No, no! Black is for winter rituals--use white before Labor Day!
And the #1 reason athames handles are black....
1. So that we'd have something to argue about other than how "athame" is pronounced!
Online Coven Initiation...
 Logging 2-14-01 23:01:34 pm EST HPS: Before we start our initiation ritual, I have an announcement. Fluffy Moon Ferret has totally burned out her hard drive and Probably won't be able to get back on line for at least two weeks. EAST: Darn! She was going to teach us how to make cyber corn dollies next week HP: Can I suggest that we table this and get down to business? EAST: Yes, sorry. HP: We're about to start the initiation ritual. Is everyone ready? WEST: Present. EAST: Ready. SOUTH: Roger. INITIATE: I am ready. ~~(1 minute pause)~~ HPS: North? ~~(1 minute pause)~~ HP: NORTH?? NORTH: Sorry, I had to reboot. HPS: Ok, we are all here. Initiate, are you skyclad and ready? INITIATE: Not yet--hold on, I need to get a pillow. HP: Pillow? INITIATE: Yes, I have a metal chair here at my desk. OK-- BRB ~~(2 minute pause)~~ INITIATE: Ok, I am ready and skyclad. HPS: Good, now do you have the cord? INITIATE: Yes, I have an orange one I got on sale at the fabric store today, is that ok? HP: It will have to do. OK, now, tie your hands behind your back, then bring the cord up around your neck... INITIATE: Ummm.... I can't do that by myself.. HPS: Do you have anyone there to help you? INITIATE: Only my mom, but she would kill me if she knew what I was doing in here. HP: OK, forget the cord. Do you have the blindfold? INITIATE: Yes, I do. HPS: OK, put the blindfold on and don't peek while we cast the circle. Give us about four minutes INITIATE: OK, I'm going to put the blindfold on now, how will I know when you are ready for me? HP: Do you have an alarm clock? INITIATE: Yes, but it's in my room. HP: Can you go get it? INITIATE: Yes, but I'd have to put my clothes on-- my mom is in the next room HPS: Never mind, just put on the blindfold and count to 240 INITIATE: OK ~~(4 minute pause)~~ HPS: Initiate? ~~(1 minute pause) HP: INITIATE?? HPS: Maybe he got disconnected? INITIATE: I am here-- are you ready for me? HPS: Yes, the circle is cast. Do you have your sword? INITIATE: Sword? HP: Yes, while you imagine that I am holding my sword with the tip against your heart I want you to hold your sword in the same way. INITIATE: I don't have a sword.. HP: Do you have an athame? INITIATE: no.. HP: Do you have anything sharp in there? INITIATE: There's a pen on the desk.. HP: Ok, point the pen at your heart. INITIATE: OK. HP: How do you enter this circle? INITIATE: In perfect love and perfect trust. HPS: Good, now I need to whisper the sacred words to you INITIATE: whisper? HPS: Yes, do you have two phone lines? I can call you with them. INITIATE: No, only one HPS: Ok, I'll e-mail them to you BRB **HPS has left the chat room** ~~(1 minute pause)~~ **HPS has joined the chat room** HPS: Ok, I mailed them INITIATE: OK, I'll go look **INITIATE has left the chat room** ~~(1 minute pause)~~ **INITIATE has joined the chatroom** INITIATE: I can't get into my hotmail-- I keep getting a message that the servers are down HPS: OK, you can get them later. Now imagine that I am pushing you from behind into the circle INITIATE: from behind? HPS: Yes, kinda like you are tilted, I am holding on to the cord. Oh wait.. no cord.. ok, just pretend I am pushing you into the circle INITIATE: Ok HPS: Now we are going to go around the circle three times. INITIATE: OK ~~(1 minute pause)~~ HPS: Now we're stopping in front of the altar and I am holding the scourge INITIATE: OK HP: You must kneel at the altar while the High Priestess scourges you INITIATE: Do you want me to imagine that I am kneeling in front of the altar or do you really want me to kneel in front of my computer? HP: Can you kneel and still see the screen? HPS: If he kneels he must also put his head down on the floor HP: Well, I guess he can't kneel then HPS: Yes, he can, I have an idea. Initiate--kneel and put your head to the floor and imagine that I am scourging you INITIATE: OK HPS: I am now scourging you ~~(2 minute pause)~~ HPS: Initiate you must now scourge me twice as many times ~~(1 minute pause) HPS: Initiate? HP: INITIATE??? INITATE: I am here, now what do I need to do? HP: You must imagine that you are scourging the High Priestess WEST: I need to go-- the baby woke up and needs to be fed HP: Can you feed him at the computer? WEST: Yes, I'll bring him back here with me. North, can you cut me a door? ~~( 1 minute pause)~~ WEST: I really need to go-- the baby is crying HP: NORTH?? NORTH: Sorry, I had to reboot HP: Can you cut West a door? NOW? NORTH: OK, all set **WEST has left the chatroom** HPS: Ok, should we continue or wait until West comes back? SOUTH: I think we should continue EAST: We should wait **WEST has joined the chatroom** WEST: I am back, North can you cut me back in? ~~( 1 minute pause)~~ HP: NORTH!!! NORTH: Sorry, I had to reboot. West you are all set HP: Ok, where were we? HPS: The initiate has to scourge me. I am going to kneel down here now, and imagine that he is plying the scourge INITIATE: Ok, I am imagining that I am scourging the High Priestess ~~( 2 minute pause)~~ INITIATE: I am done HP: Priestess? ~~(1 minute pause)~~ HPS: I need to go right now HP: Why? We are not finished here HPS: I banged my head on the desk when I got up-- hard-- I am bleeding all over my computer. I need to go to the ER for stitches **HPS has left the chatroom** HP: OK, we'll make this a healing circle instead INITIATE: I have to go too, my mom is in the hallway screaming and wants to know what I am doing **INITIATE has left the chatroom** HP: OK, everyone go light candles and we'll try to do this again tomorrow night **Chatroom closed** Logging off 2-15-01 01:32:41 am EST |
- Your child asks to use the broom to cleanse, I mean clean, their room.
- There is always a steak knife missing.
- Your smallest pan keeps disappearing and reappearing, and always smells like ashes and potpourri.
- All your candle holders are missing.
- They now enjoy going to the fabric store with you and they want thread, ribbon and cloth of every color of the rainbow.
- Their Christmas and Birthday wish lists consist of: a white or black full length bathrobe, blank journal books, window box herb gardens and a box of candles in assorted colors.
- You just figured out that every full or new moon your child asks to have 3 friends spend the night; and strangely they are very quiet all night.
- Your child now says "Merry Meet Again" every morning to you and whenever they leave they say "Merry Part".
- Your recipe cards are disappearing and when you do find them you can't make since of the recipe since it doesn't require any actual cooking.
- Your child has a new ID bracelet that reads something like "RavenMoon" "StarWolf" or "SunDragon"
- Your child asks you one day for a compass, four pails of paint; blue, green, red, and yellow, so that they can paint their room correctly.
- They insist that their first car be the color brown and have a license plate that says BROOM.
- Their pillows are now filled with all your potpourri.
- You ask your child to rake up the autumn leaves in the yard, and they come back with a small stick and a large stick; which you later find to have shiny objects on them and unidentifiable etchings.
- Once a jar gets emptied in your house it ends up in your child's room filled with various objects like pins, needles, hair, honey, paper, and soil
Fifty Sure-Fire Ways to Tell If Your Next-Door Neighbor is a Pagan
How many of the following does your neighbor exhibit?
- Never puts garbage out on the curb...I mean, recycling and compost are fine, but you can take it too far!
- You casually mention the moon's phase, and s/he replies with the exact number of days, hours, and minutes of rising, position on horizon, and current angle of declination.
- All the stray cats in the neighborhood congregate in her/his garden.
- A screech-owl has chosen the lamppost outside her/his house as it's favorite perch...just when it's getting warm outside at night and you want to sleep with your windows open.
- Doesn't mow down the weeds in his/her garden and lawn...in fact, it sort of looks like s/he's cultivating them!
- The abundance of black garments drying on the clothesline out back.
- Local kids whisper and stare as they pass his/her house, then start running if they spot movement in the house or yard.
- Nobody trick-or-treats at his/her door--not since the year that his/her costume was scarier than any of theirs!
- Footprints on the roof...and the trees near the house look as if they've been pruned for a flight-path!
- S/he can't make a sandwich without adding fresh herbs to it...and don't accept that offer of a cup of tea unless you want something yellow-colored and smelling like flowers!
- S/he never gets junk mail...you idly wonder why, and s/he confides that she just returns it to sender after writing something on it in strange curly script.
- When you drop in for a chat, the coffee pot or tea kettle is already starting to perk.
- Jehovah's Witnesses never knock on his/her door anymore...not after the last time...
- Keeps the local candle shop solvent.
- Has a pond out back full of frogs...and you haven't seen that pesky storm-window salesman in a while.
- S/he's always smiling peacefully!
- Went to a Halloween costume party dressed normally, and won first prize!
- Her/his house always smells like incense and herbs.
- Has cats named Kali, Diana, Loki, and Pele.
- Bumper-sticker on his/her car reads, "I brake for toads".
- Frequently gets questioned by the drug squad, who confiscate large amounts of dried green leaves and always return them with abject apologies after analysis!
- At Christmas, it seems like half the garden is moved into the house.
- Sometimes you hear the sounds of singing and drumming through the wall...if you look outside, it's usually a full moon.
- Was given a bodram or dumbek for her/his last birthday...and sometimes plays it outside at midnight...
- You discover the "realistic resin" skull s/he affectionately calls "Ron" in the living room actually is real...and hadn't you heard of an ex-lover named Ron?
- You catch her/him washing a crystal ball along with the dishes.
- S/he wears lots of silver jewelry, even when weeding or changing the oil in the car...
- You knock on the door and s/he answers it wearing only a robe...you apologize for disturbing her/his shower, but notice her/his hair isn't wet...
- Tendency to hum or softly chant, especially while outside in the garden.
- Has a tame robin that will eat from his/her hand in the garden...that can't be normal.
- Never catches a cold, despite a tendency to walk around barefoot often...even in the snow.
- Doesn't kill spiders...even the huge hairy ones that startle you when you're in the tub.
- Always listens to what you're saying like s/he really cares.
- Has lots of female friends that come around once or twice a month...when you ask what they're up to, s/he tells you they just have cake and ale and a nice chat.
- You catch him/her hugging a tree.
- Owns a dinner set decorated with Celtic patterns or a "stars and moons" design.
- Has a mail-order account with a semi-precious gems wholesaler.
- The priest who lives around the corner always crosses himself when driving past her/his house.
- Never watches television...but owns shelves full of books with black spines and silver lettering.
- To your certain knowledge has never set foot in the local church...you've even heard rumors s/he's been barred from it.
- You ask to borrow a deck of cards for an impromptu evening of canasta, and there are 78 in the pack.
- You've never known him/her to go to a physician.
- When you chat, s/he gently maintains eye contact the whole time.
- Expectant mothers are always visiting...also women who become expectant mothers a short time after visiting and leaving with bags full of herbs.
- You ask for suggestions of nice walks in the area, and they all go by way of strange earth mounds, oak groves, and stone circles.
- S/he only buys organic food...and you suspect vegetarian as well!
- When you ask about vacation plans, you're told about camping in yurts...or festivals with communal cabins.
- There aren't any clocks in the house...and most of the mirrors are black.
- Has a statue of a dragon near the garden gate...calls it her/his "watch-dragon".
- Tells you s/he's coming out of the broom closet, and installs a stained-glass pentagram window in the front door!
Score:
1-10: Probably just a bit odd.
11-20: Might be a New Age hippy...harmless, maybe a little deluded.
21-30: Best not to offend her/him, just to be on the safe side.
31-40: Definitely something suspicious going on...stock up on your supply of Holy Water.
41-50: Get the kindling together--we're going to have ourselves a burning!
How To Tell If You Are An American Witch:
You have substituted soda-pop for wine in ritual?
Coke = Traditional/ Gardenarian,
Cherry Coke = Alexandrian,
Dr. Pepper = Eclectric,
7-Up or Vanilla Coke = Dianic,
RootBeer = Folk/ Appalachian,
GingerAle = Native American,
Grape = Neo/Reconstru ctionist,
Orange = Chaos,
Pepsi = New Age/Wiccan,
Cream Soda = Faery,
Mountain Dew = Satanic
You have substituted cookies for cakes in ritual?
Almond Cookies=Traditional /Gardenarian,
Brownies = Alexandria n,
Chips Ahoy = Eclectric,
Sugar Cookies = Dianic,
Oatmeal Raisin = Folk/ Appalachian,
Molasses = Native American,
Pecan Sandies = Neo/ Reconstructionist
Nutter Butters = Chaos,
White Chocolate Macadamia Nut = New Age/Wiccan,
Vanilla Wafers = Faery,
Oreos=Satanic
You bought your chalice on eBay and it has at least one dragon on it
You bought your athame at a Flea Market and it has at least one dragon on it
Your paten or pentacle on the altar is hand-made ceramic that you bought at
a Pagan Craft Faire and it has at least one dragon on it
You have left an 'offering' of hotdogs and potato chips under the oak tree
after a family cook-out
You consider the end of your driveway as a 'crossroads'
You have ever 'honored the Lord and Lady' in a tent in the back yard
Marshmallows and S'Mores are incorporated in your Beltaine Fire celebration
Your home is Feng-Shui, your Chakras are all open, and your Aura is clean
and you are not concerned about your Karma because you harmed none today
You have ever saved the last sip of Mocha Latte and the last bite of Krispy
Kreme for the Fairies (they love Krispy Kremes!)
You have ever used Kosher Salt on the altar or burned Opium incense (it does
smell better than Sandalwood!)
You have ever used the Flag of the United States as an altar cloth (only on
4th of July, Memorial Day and Veteran's Day!)
At least one of your ritual robes is denim or tie-dyed
Your Goddesses are Isis and Diana and Hecate and your Gods are Odin and
Herne and Dionysius and if you invited them to a dinner party you would
serve sushi and quesadillas
You have ever smudged your bathroom with white sage after your
husband/boyfriend/ brother/father used it.
And finally you KNOW you are an American Witch if you hope someday to make a
Sacred Pilgrimage to Salem, Massachusetts.
| W | Wicked |
| I | Influential |
| T | Temperamental |
| C | Controversial |
| H | Hardworking |
| Y | Yummy |
| R | Refreshing |
| E | Edgy |
| D | Devious |
| R | Rounded |
| O | Outrageous |
| S | Smooth |
| E | Equalitarian |
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